The Story of My Internalized Abuse

When I was around 10 years old, I went to summer camp.

They divided us into two groups and positioned us against each other in a boxing competition.

I didn’t know how to box. But I put my padded gloves on and did what I thought I was supposed to do.

I stood in the boxing ring while another kid my age punched me in the face.

I thought, That didn’t hurt too much.

He punched me again. That hurt, but I’m fine.

It happened over and over, until finally the match ended and the other boy was declared winner.

I asked the camp counselor, “How come he won? He didn’t really hurt me.”

And he said, “David, you never hit him back.”

It had never even occurred to me.

I had no idea that fists lived inside of me. I didn’t know that it was possible to defend myself, or to fight back.

You mean, I could stand up for myself? I could say no? I could push back?

Since a young age, my older brother had beat me. He was bigger than me, more powerful, and I couldn't defend myself against his fists.

When this injustice happened, no one in my household was there to witness it. No one told him to stop or asked what was going on. No one told me it was wrong or asked if I was okay.

The part of me who could have fought back and kept myself safe had split off and separated from myself.

I learned that the only response to the violence was to take it in silence. Many of us have internalized abuse in similar ways.

It wasn’t that someone needed to teach me how to fight. That could have helped. But the fight lived inside of me.

Where had it gone?

When no one told me that it was wrong for my brother to beat me, shame entered the scene. The part of me that could have fought back split off from the rest of me. I was no longer in touch with it.

This is an extreme example, but it’s why it is so important to me to help others alchemize their abuse. And to do it soon.

Because the sooner you can come into a more healed understanding of abuse,  the sooner we begin the healing process that would have allowed me to raise my fists during that boxing match.

What motivates you to transform your relationship to abuse?

It’s worth a reflection.